I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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