I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
