So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
