fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
