If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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