You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
