i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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