I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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