My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
