You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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