Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
