here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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