Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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