I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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