it's too hot outside to masturbate.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
And then he peed in my hair
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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