Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
