I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
