also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
