I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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