Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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