Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
