Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
