when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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