what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
