Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
