I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
