Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
