I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
