Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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