I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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