who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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