I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
