I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
