it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
