she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She needs sedatives and a leash
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
