that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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