I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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