My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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