i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
