i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
