He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
