I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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