At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
