His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
