Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
