I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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