"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
