Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
