Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
