i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
