and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
