last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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