The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
