forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
